Archive Anecdotage

20 Phone calls

My phone rings.

'Hello?'

'Yes, why did you cancel the press conference?'

'What press conference?'

'The one you cancelled today, here, in Santos, Brazil.'

'Well, there wasn't time to schedule one anyway, just in case someone had bothered to enquire; however no-one did. We never knew about a press conference, so how could we cancel it? It's very annoying for the fan club, we came along to promote Deep purple, that's our job.'

'I see.'

'So what about our interview?'

'What interview?'

The interview we were going to do at the press conference.'

'Look, I'd love to help but we couldn't schedule interviews because there wasn't time. I never, well almost never, do interviews on show days, for obvious reasons. The local promoter is a dickhead and of the six vans that left Sao Paolo only one arrived in Santos as scheduled. I was not in that van. Along with assorted items of crew, luggage, management and musicians, I took the scenic route in the company of a driver and vehicle whose limitations were mutually compatible. Along the way I visited locations not listed in my itinerary. I'm six thousand miles from home and my wife needs some help with a couple of things so she's trying to get through on the phone as we speak. I'm hungry and very, very tired and I'm developing a cold...'

'I'll wait for you by the hotel pool then, ok? Say 5 o'clock?'

'Click............'

My phone rings....(another hotel, another city).

'Hello?'

'Meester Geelan, what are you doing?

'Who is this?'

'Yes'

'Oh really.'

'What are you doing?'

'I'm having oral sex with an ostrich.'

'What?'

'Yes.'

'When are you going to the university?'

'Probably around 7.15.'

'Ok, thank you.'

'The pleasure is all mine.'

'Goodbye'.

'Goodbye'.

My phone rings........

'Hello?'

'Hi Ian, how's it going?'

'Who's this?'

'George, remember me?'

'Ah, George, of course, how are you?'
(I haven't got a clue who George is).

'Can I come to your room?'

'What on earth for?'

'To talk man.'

'I'm afraid I'm busy.'

'What you doin'?'

'Writing.'

'Writing what man?'

'Who is this?'

It's George man, remember me?'

'Er, no.'

'Yeah man, you know, we partied last time, yeah?'

'You must be confusing me with an American, my American friends party all the time.'

'What?'

'I said you must be confused.'

'Can I come to your room?'

'Fuck off George.'

That's enough of phone calls.


© Ian Gillan 1997

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