Dear Friends

DF 36 - An undimpled smallholding and and a new metric system of time

December 2004

Dear Friends,

First off, I do apologise for the long delay in getting this letter up. Also I would like to thank the many of you who wrote in to enquire about my wellbeing - I am fine thank you.

It would be easy to blame my computer woes whilst on the road, the road itself even, the other projects under which I am buried, a dysfunctional pencil sharpener (for you stationery fetishists - I have a very old Panasonic KP-4A), indecisive hair, serious trouser problems and so on; but the simple fact is that have been luxuriating in a spell of complete selfish idleness - it was overdue. Thank you for your understanding.

I have been honoured by the contributions made by many friends and peers to a TV/DVD special, being made to mark my forty years on the road. Joe Satriani, Ronnie James Dio, Tony Iommi, Sir Tim Rice, Claud Nobs (Funky Claud), Luciano Pavarotti, Joe Elliott, Jon Lord, the current Purple Guys and many others have generously given time for the camera. The team - producer Craig, along with camera and sound men, Barry and Brian - has gone to extraordinary lengths to capture material for what Craig confidently claims will be the best ever Rock Documentary. Filming will finish and editing begins in February. It should be ready by the summer.

In February I am going to Toronto where I'll be making a record to go along with the Documentary. With producer Nick Blagona (Perfect Strangers, Accidentally on Purpose etc.) I will be recording tracks from over the years - Javelins, Episode Six, DP, Gillan, Sabbath, solo stuff etc. There will be quite a few special guest appearances.

Also, I have put together a book called 'Caramba' containing articles and pictures selected from the website and some never seen before. I have left out all the political stuff and concentrated on the nonsense. During the editing process I had to remove some innocent nakedness, as it was pointed out to me that some of the more prurient territories (you know who you are) might have me strung up - or worse - when I was passing through.

I'll have a word with Steve (Ed.) maybe we can stick them up on the back pages of the real Caramba - don't tell anyone though.

After Toronto I am going to St. Petersburg where I have been invited to sing a few songs with a Russian All-Star band - that's on the 23rd Feb. Then on 3rd March DP is doing a show in Switzerland and after that we'll be heading for Los Angeles to commence work on the new album. The rest of 2005 will probably best be described as a gap-random-chaotic-year; a change is as good as two in the bush, don't they say?

Midway through yesterday morning I noticed a magisterial barrister type sprawled across my knee, idly flicking her way through a first edition of 'L'histoire d'O'. The black silks were waist-high and her briefs were - and still are - at the T-shop for repair; although the proprietor has been seen wearing them back-to-front in a vain attempt at coming out.

We all gazed at the surprisingly undimpled smallholding whilst considering the crop options - the parsley had already been strimmered.

Little did I know that the law had been changed to eliminate any pissabolity of a fair trial - so we remained in the dark whilst our clandestine activities were admired through the two-way mirror; that brotherly device so frequently held up with hauteur to the haute commissioner's blind eye.

And that's how it ended... we couldn't even leave the engine running - petty hitlers being what they are.

The demonisation of contrary opinion continues to foment polarisation in England, and now individual rights demand a separate set of laws for everyone - providing there is a metropolitan slant. So get your list in before too long, hand delivery is highly recommended…

Encryption is forbidden in case something slips through…so euphemisms reign, and that's not a bad thing. Hence the gibberish - do you know what I'm talking about? No? Good, you'll have to beat it out of me!!!

Remember the Frenchman's luminescent but tardy speech in NY, way back when? Sanctions were working. The Inspectors - the hated Blix - had found nothing. The ill-defined war was already in motion prior to that shabby U.N. procedure. The troops were in place and had been given pre-emptive absolution (Phillip Pullman) after all God was on their side was he not. It is now said that this - thinly disguised edge of the biggest ever wedge - was a good thing. After all, the evil Saddam had murdered 300,000 of his own people - General Franks likes to round up his figures, being a good military man - and those numbers, dreadful and unbelievable as they are, were before sanctions.

Well, at least a conservative 10,000 are dead this year, killed by our democratic hand - after all we did allow our democratically elected representatives to debate this properly in Parliament - did we not - before the democratic decision was made to free Iraq from its ways, and impose our version of democracy upon that beleaguered society.

So was Monsieur de Villepin right Mr. Blah?

WMD discovered so far = zero, but we knew that all along. I remember Vladimir Putin laughing in your face at the 'worthless documents' (his words) waved in support of your claims.

Was Saddam harbouring terrorists? No - although they did find one guy in the harbour, but he was a tourist. Of course he (that's Saddam, not the Tourist) wasn't involved with terrorists - you just have to study his political stratagem - that idea is even more preposterous than the WMD fantasy.

Was Iraq disobeying U.N. directives? Well, yes it must be admitted that under that heading there was disobedience (naughty Saddam), but let's see - hmm - who else might be guilty of non-compliance? Ah, now there's a sensitive subject…

If you consider the specimen charges Mr. Blah - the specimen charges laid upon Saddam Hussein during his first court appearance Mr. Blah - then you must recall the actual date of the most recent outrage committed by Saddam. No? Well I'll tell you - it was 1991. That was 1991 Mr. Blah…twelve full years before the -er - liberation of Iraq…you stupid, stupid man. You really deserve to spend nothing less than the rest of your reckless messianic life in prison.

And while you are there Mr. Blah you will have plenty of time to consider one more question that must be answered. Mr. Blah can you please tell us exactly what happened to the two suitcases full of papers, commissioned by the United Nations and prepared by their inspectors? What happened to those papers between the time they were despatched from Baghdad and the time they were delivered to their rightful destination? This is an important question Mr. Blah, it's very important for us all to know what happened to those papers. I know we will demand an answer when this bloody mess is in its terminal phase, better sooner than later don't you think? I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Yours sincerely, etc. etc.

I was intending to expound my theory of the Multiverse, relative to the missing Dark Matter and the wrong hypothesis, but it will have to wait because of more pressing matters.

In order to conform to the anticipated changes devised - for our convenience - by the Idiocracy, I have devised a new metric system of time.

100 seconds = 1 minute
100 minutes = 1 hour
10 hours = I day
10 days = 1 week
3.651 weeks = 1 month
10 months = 1 year

I have altered the monthly cycles because they remind me of LSD and the beauty of a fractionable dozen. Also they make the year look foolish and upstage the week, which now takes on a new decimal importance but remains anomalous to remind us of our stupid history - not forgetting also that lunatics are a thing of the past, and that's a good thing.

Anyway - at what time did the earth inherit the week?

Ian Gillan

Copyright © Ian Gillan 2004

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